Homeschooling and the S word

As it does once in awhile, the socialization question has been brought up on my main homeschooling list again. This is what I said:

Look at us, all talking about the S word.

But, as much as we like to deny it, and write essays about it, and repeat how teachers always tell students “you’re not here to socialize!” it still bothers us. So let’s uncouple socialization from school altogether, for just a minute. Remember, the only reason it comes up at all is that public school kids are in school for the majority of their waking hours. Try to follow the reasoning here: school is virtually the only place children can interact with other human beings, therefore, it is where they have to learn socialization, therefore it is the best place to learn it, therefore, all children should be in school. You don’t have to pass Logic 101 to see the flaws there.

If we’re going to take responsibility for raising these precious humans, we must equally take responsibility for giving them the opportunities and experiences they need to develop into adults healthy in mind and body. This has very little to do with whatever educational choice we make for them. If a parent does send a child to public school and then assumes that all their socialization needs are met automatically, that is as big a mistake as one who homeschools a child and never leaves the house. You cannot provide everything your child needs from birth to adulthood. You must give them opportunities to meet and interact with other people, wherever that is.

Moving from the general to the specific and not forgetting our original poster: “I feel like they are missing out on all of the fun stuff kids get to do at school. Especially meeting new friends.”

Here’s the thing: School does not equal fun stuff. Granted, there may be isolated fun at school; the last bell and the (very) occasional field trip come to mind. I just spent five days at a conference, up every morning early, in lectures six hours a day, back the next day to do it all again. It was torture. I had to be at the right class at the right time, I had to listen and take notes, and the food wasn’t even that good. Yes, I got to socialize with a few peers, but it was not worth the rest of it. I think most school kids would tell you the same thing. So if the stuff isn’t even fun, it’s the friends.

I think the best we can do for our kids, homeschooled, private schooled, or public schooled, is to give them plenty of opportunities to meet other kids. I found out early on that simply setting up a play date or a class or a club with boys my son’s age did not mean that he was going to find a friend there. As it turned out, it took continued exposure, and each year we took part in at least one outside activity, whether it was a co-op or club or class I taught or park days. They both made friends, but their closest friends usually came from church. There I was, working on making sure they met plenty of friends and they were making them fine without me. For several years we would have two birthday parties each year for my son, one for his church friends and one for his homeschool friends, because I just didn’t want that many boys in my house at one time. Now that he’s in mostly outside classes, his best friends are from church and summer camp.

My daughter’s friends are more from our old co-op and now school. She’s at a private school and jumped into the social scene with both feet. To me, though, it’s just a venue for her to meet people, and church or co-op worked just as well. I did have to work harder to get her to play dates and sleepovers when we homeschooled, but then again, one of her new friends lives in a town twenty minutes away. It’s still a lot of drive time, but that’s how it goes. I’m committed to facilitating those relationships, and we just work it out.

Equally important, my kids have adults they feel close to, both in our family and among our friends. They’ve had volunteer opportunities where they can interact with people they would not normally encounter. In short, meeting their socialization needs can vary from child to child, but is just as important a part of their education as anything else. You have to try lots of things; most of them won’t work, but you keep trying. And at some point, you’ll be rewarded with young adults who make you so proud you have to blink and turn away until you can form the words. There’s no substitute for the chance to be with them during these years, and no reason to hand that over to the government. Keep them busy, keep them meeting people, keep them learning, and keep them home!